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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28768122">She Drives Me Crazy</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/riverv/pseuds/riverv'>riverv</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Wilds (TV 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Character Study, F/F, Group Bonding, Post 1x07, Toni Centric, Truth or Dare</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 05:46:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,579</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28768122</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/riverv/pseuds/riverv</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“I’ll kiss her,” you say, before you can really think through what that means. Everyone turns to look at you. Shelby’s eyes burn into you like you’re touching the fire. You flick your gaze around and take in everyone’s expressions. Rachel’s face is scrunched in confusion, probably not understanding why you’d volunteer for this. Which is a fair question. Fatin has a smirk on her face like she knows something you don’t, and you don’t have the time to think about what that could mean. Leah’s nodding, like this just makes more sense to her anyways. And Shelby. She’s looking at you, and it seems like a million things are running through her head. She looks relieved; nervous; excited. Her eyes ask you a question that you don’t know how to answer.</p><p>//</p><p>What happens after the plane flies by.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>270</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>She Drives Me Crazy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You’re starting to realize there’s a lot more to Shelby Goodkind than what meets the eye. Granted, you might have been able to notice that sooner if you’d maybe listened to her for more than a minute before interrupting her. But she can just be so infuriating sometimes, with her unending positivity and her pension for suggesting ice breakers. And you’ve met girls like her before, girls who think they’re better than you, or who learn that you’re in the foster system and always have a bit too much pity in their eyes when they look at you. Girls who put forward this whole act of loving everyone, but then they find out you’re gay, and they start eyeing you like you’re going to pounce. The kind of girl who changes on the other side of the locker room during gym class because she doesn’t want you to look at her. That type of girl. So you weren’t surprised when she gets upset with the whole mussels display. Yeah, maybe you were being a bit graphic, but what the hell? You’re 17, there’s no adults around, who cares? Shelby Goodkind cares, apparently, and she makes that perfectly clear.</p><p>But you don’t want to deal with her shit. So you stand up and walk away.</p><p>You know you’re an aggressive person. You can see how Martha looks at you when you go a little too far. You saw it on Regan’s face, too, and that’s kind of why she broke up with you. But you’re working on it. That’s why you didn’t get up in Shelby’s face then like you wanted to. You were restraining yourself, believe it or not. But you’re trying to be better about controlling yourself, so you walk away before the confrontation can get violent.</p><p>Not that it really does much good, because half an hour later, you’re vomiting up all the mussels you ate anyways. You should have known that you wouldn’t be able to catch a break on this fucking island.</p><p>But it’s during all that vomiting and sickness that Shelby does something that truly surprises you. Somehow Dot’s got some drugs that she says will help you, and she brings it over, but there’s only one for both you and Marty. If you had any energy to argue that Marty should be the one to take it, you would have, but you can barely hold your head up, let alone get out those words. But then Shelby of all people is the one with the medication, and she’s asking you to take it. And somehow you find the energy to speak and you tell her to fuck off, that you’re not going to take anything from her. She looks hurt by that, but you don’t give a shit about her feelings. You think you’ve won that small battle but then she pushes you down and fucking straddles you. She pins your nose with one hand and with the other she forces the pill into your mouth. You try to struggle against her grip, try to push her off of you, but it’s no use.</p><p>“Swallow the fucking pill,” she hisses into your ear. Have you heard her swear like that before? You don’t think you have, you didn’t know she had it in her. You’re startled and surprised by the fierceness and determination she’s showing. So you do what you’re told, and you swallow the pill, and you stop struggling under her. Then, just as soon as it began, she’s off of you, quickly walking away from the commotion.</p><p> </p><p>You don’t give a shit about her feelings. She’s a self-entitled, homophobic, annoyingly positive white girl. But when Leah accuses her of being some spy, some plant, it’s impossible to ignore the pain on Shelby’s face. Leah accuses her of having a secret, and Shelby removes a retainer from her mouth and looks like she’s about to cry. Your first instinct is that, in the grand scheme of things, some missing teeth is really not that big of a deal, and you’d <em>love</em> if that was the biggest issue in your life. She starts to storm off, and she seems like she’s on the verge of tears, but before she goes, she looks directly at you. “Just one more reason to hate me. Not that you needed any more.” And then she goes.</p><p>You really don’t understand this girl.</p><p> </p><p>When you run into her in the woods, it’s not on purpose. You were trying to be proactive by gathering some firewood, and somehow, even when you could have ended up anywhere on the island, you’re right by her side again. It’s like you can’t escape this girl.</p><p>She starts trying to get some sympathy from you, tries telling you about how hard her life is as a pageant girl. You just want to roll your eyes at her. Does she hear how ridiculous she sounds? “So you’re complaining about being judged when you literally sign up for that?” you ask her.</p><p>“I know. But, I’m not just talking about pageant stuff.” She looks like she’s trying to tell you something, like there’s something she’s trying to convey without explicitly saying it. It catches your attention, but you try not to show it. You’re still annoyed with her.</p><p>And then she kisses you. Shelby Goodkind, Texas pageant queen, ordained Youth Minister, apparent homophobe, kisses you in the woods while you’re gathering firewood together. You’re in the middle of arguing—isn’t that what you’re always doing with her?—and she’s talking about all the expectations she’s got, all the pressure to live and to perform a certain way. And you just want her to <em>shut up</em>, because <em>of course</em> it must be so difficult being so perfect and so loved all the damn time, and you’re in the middle of telling her that she doesn’t <em>need</em> to follow these expectations, especially now of all times, when she interrupts you and pulls you in for a kiss. You weren’t expected it, that’s for sure. It catches you off guard, and the force of her pushing against you almost makes you stumble. But you’ve got good reflexes, and you know what to do when a pretty girl starts kissing you, so you keep yourself from falling and you put your hands on her waist and start kissing her back before you can process what’s happening.</p><p>She pulls back, and before you can catch your breath, she starts to run away. That part doesn’t surprise you. What does surprise you is that you immediately start to run after her.</p><p>You’ve never been one to chase after people. Maybe at one point that was something you would do, but after years of being left behind and let down by people, you’ve learned your lesson. You’ve learned to cut your expectations, and that if someone is making signs that they might leave, it’s safer to push them away first. So you’ve made it a habit of not chasing after people. But you chase after Shelby.</p><p> </p><p>///</p><p> </p><p>Then the plane flies by.</p><p> </p><p>///</p><p> </p><p>She’s been acting weird all day, that’s for sure. Avoiding you for hours, and then confronting and demanding you tell her exactly what you were talking to Martha about. But it’s the way she acts that night; that’s what really concerns you. You’re all having a good time, riding the high of the edibles you all took, but she gets fucking trashed off of that bottle of vodka. It takes all that’s in you to keep from standing up and running to her side when she starts panicking, Fatin’s hairbrush tangled in her long blonde hair. She’s refusing Fatin’s help, and you think she’s struggling to breath, and you can’t help but feel reminded of that moment, just a few days ago, when you were sick from those damn fucking clams and she held you in place until you could breath. If you were a better person, you’d go to her side, and hold her shoulders, and look in her eyes and tell her to focus on you.</p><p>But you’re not a good person. And you don’t know if you can handle having all of her attention on you.</p><p>And you don’t think you’re responsible enough to be the one to talk her down right now. What do you know about calm?</p><p>You grit your teeth and focus on playing with the laces of your shoes, trying to tear your gaze away from the disaster that’s about to happen. And then she starts to cut her hair off.</p><p> </p><p>///</p><p> </p><p>You can admit that there’s more to Shelby than you could ever have imagined. But, from time to time, there are things about her that you think you could have predicted.</p><p>Like how she can’t handle her alcohol.</p><p>You’re not some pro, to be sure. Martha’s mom doesn’t tend to keep alcohol in the house, and you weren’t cool enough back before the crash to go to too many parties. But Regan’s slipped you some drinks before, and you’ve learned your lesson about hangovers and morning-afters.</p><p>Shelby, it seems, has not learned such things.  </p><p>You’re up before most of the others that morning, which is a bit unusual for you, and so you figure you might as well get started on the chores. The plane is probably arriving sometime today, but you have no idea when, so you might as well have some clean water to drink. After last night, it seems like your girls are going to need it.</p><p><em>Your girls</em>. At some point, and you’re not sure when, you stopped thinking of the others as, well, <em>others</em>, and started to think of them as your friends. Your people. Martha’s still your <em>person</em>, to be sure, but you have to admit that they’ve all grown on you. Nora’s soft smile as she lets you know that she’s paying attention. The way Dot rolls her eyes at everyone’s incredible lack of survival skills. Fatin’s innuendos and anecdotes about her privileged-ass life, that, while infuriating, do really help to brighten the mood. And Shelby’s—. Well, just Shelby. All of her.</p><p>You’re almost sad that after rescue comes you’re going to have to say goodbye to them.</p><p>You push that thought away as you start up the fire. Gotta boil some water so your friends don’t die of a hangover. You’ve gotten good at setting it up, using the small twigs to put together the base and get the flame to come to life, so you concentrate on that until it’s steady enough on its own.</p><p>Eventually, Shelby wakes up. You watch with a controlled smile as she stumbles down to the shoreline and splashes some water onto her face. It’s almost comical, the way she trips over herself and almost ends up drenched when a small wave catches her by surprise.</p><p>“Rough night?” You ask as she returns to the camp. She looks at you, confused, so you continue. “I’m guessing a bit of a headache, and that the sun’s a bit brighter than usual?”</p><p>She blushes and looks down. “Does this always happen?” she asks, and her voice is more vulnerable and raw than you’d expected, and it makes something in your stomach start to spin around.</p><p>“You did have quite a lot to drink last night,” you say, careful not to mention the other events of the night before. “Next time, maybe try to balance it out with some water. That’ll make the hangover a bit easier.”</p><p>“I’ll keep that in mind for next time,” she says.</p><p>You nod, unsure of what to say, but not wanting the conversation to end. “If it’s really bad, there’s some Advil in the medicine bag. And I’m sure Fatin’s got a hideous pair of sunglasses that you could borrow.”</p><p>“Thanks,” she says. She looks at the small fire you’re tending. “What’re you up to?” she asks.</p><p>“Boiling some water. You’re not the only one who went a little hard last night. Someone’s gotta be the responsible one around here.” She nods but doesn’t say anything, just stands, hovering above you. “You can sit, if you want,” you tell her. “I wouldn’t say no to some company.”</p><p>“Are you sure?” she asks, almost hesitant. “I wasn’t sure if you, I dunno, didn’t want to talk to me.”</p><p>You look at her with an amused smile. “Where did you get that idea?” you ask her.</p><p>She looks almost sheepish. “I haven’t been the friendliest to you recently,” she admits, and you want to laugh. She’s been a lot of things to you recently, really running the gamut between hot and cold, but not particularly friendly, no.</p><p>“I have been missing that good old-fashioned Christian warmth,” you tease. She shoots you a look, but accepts your offer and takes a seat on the other side of the small fire. You want to ask her about the kiss you shared, or maybe about the freak out she had last night, but you don’t want to scare her off. She keeps looking over at you like some goddamn deer in the headlights, like you’re going to jump up and attack her or something. You’ve never been the best at heart-to-hearts, and you wouldn’t even know what to say. So you don’t say anything at all, and the two of you just sit together for a while, boiling and preparing the water in silence. It’s not much, but you think maybe it’s better than the endless arguing the two of you had been doing before.</p><p>           </p><p>///</p><p> </p><p>It’s been a day since the plane flew by. You’d have thought that there would be a rescue crew by now, but you’re still feeling optimistic.</p><p>Not much happens that day. None of you want to be missing when rescue arrives, so you barely leave your little camp area. Instead, the eight of you sit, talking about what you’ll do once you’re back in civilization.</p><p>“I’m most excited for wearing my own damn clothes again,” Dot says. “No offense, Fatin.”</p><p>“None taken,” the girl says in response. “I’m looking forward to not having to share my fucking underwear with you bitches.”</p><p>“I want to take a fucking shower,” Nora says, and you nod in agreement.</p><p>Martha speaks up. “Not to be like, I don’t know, super basic, but I’d like to maybe meet a guy. I’ve never done the whole flirting thing before, after all this, I think I could try it.”</p><p>“You’ve got all your experience with Marcus now, so you’re ready?” Fatin teases, and Martha nods, smiling.</p><p>“He’s not the best conversationalist,” Martha says with a laugh. She turns to Shelby. “What about you, Shelby?” You turn your gaze to the blonde. She’s sitting with her legs pulled into her chest, and she hasn’t been saying anything.</p><p>“What?” she asks, looking up.</p><p>“What are you looking forward to once we get back?” Martha asks. “Oh, I bet Andrew’s just been worried out of his mind. He’ll be so happy to see you again, for sure.”</p><p>Even from across the circle, you can see Shelby stiffen. You’d forgotten that she has a fucking boyfriend. “Yes, it’ll be very nice to see him,” she says. Martha keeps looking at her, as if expecting her to say more, but Shelby stays quiet. You look at her, trying to understand what’s going through her mind right now, but she’s not giving any clues.</p><p>“I’m looking forward to eating some real fucking food,” Rachel says, and the conversation moves on.</p><p> </p><p>That evening, the group of you finish the protein bars. One each for dinner.</p><p>“Should we save some, just in case?”</p><p>Rachel shakes her head. “No, we’ll be picked up tomorrow, and we can eat then,” she says with enough certainty that you can’t help but believe her.</p><p>“We still have some of the vodka left,” Leah says, grabbing the bottle from Jeanette’s bag.</p><p>“Pass that shit <em>around</em>,” Dot directs, and Leah obliges, taking a swig of the bottle before passing it to Nora. Things start to get lively, as you all take sips of the vodka. It’s not the crazy energy of the day before, when you were all high off your asses, but there’s a goofy and relaxed atmosphere to everything</p><p>You’re starting to feel drunk when she suggests you all play truth or dare.</p><p>“It might be our last night together,” she says, “We might not get another chance to play.”</p><p>Dot shrugs. “For once, I actually think this’ll be kind of fun,” she says.</p><p>Dot starts the game off. “Fatin, truth or dare?” Dot asks.</p><p>“Truth. And make it a good one,” Fatin responds.</p><p>“Fuck, marry, kill. Leah, Rachel, Martha,” Dot tells her. “I hope that’s exciting enough for you.”</p><p>“Alright, easy,” Fatin says, clapping her hands together, “I’d fuck Rachel. She’s got a lot of pent up rage. That’s <em>big</em> in looking for a good lay.”</p><p>“I feel like I should be offended, but I’ll take that as a compliment,” Rachel says.</p><p>“It’s definitely a compliment,” Fatin confirms, nodding at Rachel. “Then, let’s see… I’d marry Martha, and kill Leah.”</p><p>“Hey!” Leah calls out, at the same moment that Martha says, “Aww, thank you!”</p><p>“Why would you kill me?” Leah asks, with a joking tinge of offense in her voice.</p><p>Fatin shrugs. “You’re a messy bitch. And I love that about you, I do. But if we’re talking marriage, I’d have to go with Martha. She wouldn’t drive me crazy.” Leah nods, accepting, but still looks a bit petulant. Fatin rolls her eyes. “Leah, darling, truth or dare?”</p><p>Leah runs her hands through the sand, making small piles. “I’m still offended that you said you’d kill me,” she says.</p><p>“It was with love,” Fatin reassures her. “Truth or dare?”</p><p>“Truth, I guess,” she says.</p><p>“If you had the chance to say anything to Jeffrey, what would you say? And be smarter than how you answered in our rehearsal yesterday.”</p><p>“Oh, God,” Leah says, letting out a breath.</p><p>“What’s up with this Jeffrey guy?” you ask quietly, leaning towards Martha, but she just shrugs.</p><p>“Well, I <em>wouldn’t</em> tell him that I’m still in love with him,” Leah starts. “Because I’m definitely over him.”</p><p>“Great start,” Dot says, with a roll of her eyes. Fatin smacks her and gestures for Leah to continue.</p><p>Leah takes another swig from the shared bottle of vodka. “You know, I’d tell him to fuck himself!” she bursts out. “That it doesn’t feel like he ever cared for me. Like he only ever wanted me to be his secret, or he was ashamed of me or something.” She stands up and continues. “And that thing about only using a smartphone isn’t cool. It’s just pretentious. <em>And</em>,” she says, pausing to give her words emphasis, “his book isn’t even that good.” She crosses her arms, looking proud of herself, and Fatin claps for her.</p><p>“So well said,” Fatin tells her, and with a smug smile, Leah sits back down.</p><p>There’s a few more rounds, and then it’s Rachel’s turn to ask someone. “Okay, Shelby, truth or dare?”</p><p>“Truth,” she says. You think she might be avoiding your gaze, the way she keeps looking past you. But maybe you’re just overthinking things.</p><p>Rachel looks at her and squints her eyes, trying to decide what to ask. “What is your biggest regret?” she asks eventually.</p><p>“Oh, come on,” Fatin drawls from the other side of the fire. “What kind of question is that? I want something more interesting.” Some of the others join in with agreement.</p><p>Shelby bites down on her lip. “Can I pass?” she says, her voice low.</p><p>“You can’t pass at truth or dare,” Nora says, “That’s not one of the options.”</p><p>“Come on, don’t be a party pooper,” Dot teases. “You’re the one who wanted to play a game.”</p><p>“I know, I know,” Shelby says.  The shots of alcohol have made her accent even stronger than it normally is. “It’s just, it’s a bit of a downer, and I don’t want to ruin the mood.” She’s looking down, avoiding looking at anyone, and you’re reminded that there is so much more to this girl than what you know.</p><p>“She makes a good point,” Fatin says. “We’re having fun, I don’t want to be bummed out.”</p><p>“You really don’t want to answer the question?” Rachel says, and Shelby nods, still not looking up. Rachel sighs. “Fine, I can give you a dare, then. But no chickening out of this one, okay?”</p><p>“Thank you,” Shelby says. There’s a small part of you that’s a bit let down at the decision. It’s clear that Shelby doesn’t want to talk about it, but you want to know what it is. What could possibly be so big that little miss perfect doesn’t want to talk about it? What you would give to better understand this girl.</p><p>Rachel still hasn’t given the dare, so you shift your gaze to look at her. She’s looking up, probably trying to come up with a good alternate to her question. Then a mischievous look appears on her face. “I dare you,” she starts to say, “to kiss Fatin.”</p><p>You immediately look over at Shelby, who’s looking right back at you, a shocked expression on her face, but the moment you make eye contact she looks away.</p><p>“Oh, this’ll be good,” you hear Dot say from a few spots over.</p><p>“The most action I’ve had in <em>weeks</em>,” Fatin says.</p><p>“You want me to do <em>what</em>?” Shelby asks, incredulous.</p><p>“You heard me,” Rachel says, her voice smug. “If that’s really too hard for you, you could always answer the truth question instead.”</p><p>“Why Fatin and not Toni?” Leah asks from across the fire. From the way she’s squinting her eyes and leaning towards Nora, you think she was probably trying to be subtle, but the combination pot-gummy bear and vodka is making her louder than she realizes.</p><p>“I’m not about to make Toni kiss a homophobe,” Rachel explains, and in any other situation, you’d be appreciative of that. Just because you’re a lesbian it doesn’t mean that you’re down to kiss just any girl. But this is different. Shelby’s not just some homophobic girl. There’s something going on there, something that you don’t even think she’s ready to confront. She’s looking around, and she looks nervous, and you want to just hold her by the shoulders and look into her eyes and tell her that it’s going to be okay.</p><p>“I’ll kiss her,” you say, before you can really think through what that means. Everyone turns to look at you. Shelby’s eyes burn into you like you’re touching the fire. You flick your gaze around and take in everyone’s expressions. Rachel’s face is scrunched in confusion, probably not understanding why you’d volunteer for this. Which is a fair question. Fatin has a smirk on her face like she knows something you don’t, and you don’t have the time to think about what that could mean. Leah’s nodding, like this just makes more sense to her anyways. And Shelby. She’s looking at you, and it seems like a million things are running through her head. She looks relieved; nervous; excited. Her eyes ask you a question that you don’t know how to answer.</p><p>“If we’re going to make Shelby kiss a girl, it should be someone who knows how it’s done,” you offer as a sort of explanation.</p><p>“I’m offended that you don’t think I could rock her world, but I’ll concede,” Fatin says, leaning back.</p><p>“It’s your call,” Rachel says, looking back at Shelby. “I don’t really care what you do. Kiss Toni, kiss Fatin, or answer the question.”</p><p>“I’ll kiss Toni,” she says, and your heart fucking leaps. She looks up at you, her eyes flickering back and forth between your own, and you give her a soft smile and a nod, as if that’s going to help.</p><p>As much as you’d enjoy kissing Shelby again—and you’re okay with admitting to yourself that you would, in fact, like to kiss her again—you do wish that it wouldn’t be in a circumstance like this. You don’t like feeling like she’s forced to do this. If you didn’t think it would just bring more attention to the whole matter, you might even demand that they give Shelby another option. But you volunteered to be the one to kiss her. So she knows she’s not alone, or something like that.</p><p> Ever so slowly, she stands up from her spot on the other side of the fire. She walks over to you, and you swear that time is slowing down, and simultaneously, you can feel your heart rate speeding up. Your eyes are glued to hers until she bites her bottom lip again and your gaze is tugged down to her mouth. You’re sitting cross-legged, your hands resting on your knees, and you can’t even move as she crouches down in front of you. You have no idea if any of the others are talking, or moving, or doing anything, because right now your whole world is Shelby Goodkind, with her unevenly-chopped hair and sun-burnt face and piercing green eyes.</p><p><em>Stay cool, Shalifoe,</em> you tell yourself. And that’s the last thing that crosses your mind before she leans in and presses her lips to yours.</p><p>Her lips are soft. The last time she kissed you, you were too startled to really notice, but now all of your attention is here, on her. Her lips are soft and just a bit chapped from the long days in the sun, and you can taste the sharp sting of the vodka you’ve both been drinking. She’s intoxicating. That’s something you were able to notice when she kissed you that first time, that all you want to do is wrap your hands into her hair and pull her closer. But this time, it’s not just you and her, all of your friends are here, too, and so you curl your fingers into the fabric of your leggings to stop you from doing anything stupid with them.</p><p>Shelby doesn’t seem to have such reservations, though, because her hand lands on your cheek, tilting your face upwards and towards hers. You lean into her touch, feeling the comforting warmth of her hand, and then, way too soon, it’s over. She pulls away, and by the time you blink your eyes open, she’s quickly crossing back to her seat against the log on the far side of the fire.</p><p>“Damn,” Dot says, and you’re reminded of where you are. You have to stop yourself from touching your fingers to your lips.</p><p>“That’s what I’m <em>talking</em> about!” Fatin calls, and Martha lets out a <em>whoop</em>. The spell is broken, and the girls are laughing. “If that happens again, I’m not trading. That looked too good to pass up on.”</p><p>“That was HOT!” Nora says, and you duck your head. You’re grateful that the only light is the fire, because you’re sure your blushing after that.</p><p>“Not too bad, Texas,” you say. You want to look at her, to understand the meaning behind the kiss, but if she’s looking back at you, you don’t think you’ll ever be able to look away.</p><p>“Shelby, your turn to ask someone,” Martha says.</p><p>“Martha,” she says, “Truth or dare?”</p><p>The game continues, and you allow yourself a minute to recollect yourself. God, you’re such a mess. What is it about this girl that just makes all of your sense fly out the window? You’re volunteering to kiss her like it’s a middle school game of spin the bottle. For half a second you wonder if you’d be able to pitch that as the next game you play as a group, before you realize what an awful—and incredibly transparent—idea that would be.</p><p>So is she gay? She has to be. That’s why she kissed you, right? She’s had years and years of that goddamn church telling her she’ll go to hell for being queer, and now, for the first time, she’s able to get some space from that brainwashing. You wonder—a stupid, unhelpful thought—if she actually wanted to kiss <em>you</em>, or if you were just the only gay girl available. Is she just some straight girl wanting to experiment, wanting to rebel against her religion and this is the easiest option?</p><p>And so what if that is what she’s doing? Why should you care?</p><p>You were so fucking fast to volunteer to kiss her again. This fucking girl and the way she’s wormed her way into your mind.</p><p>“Toni?” Someone calling your name pulls you back to the present, and you realize everyone’s looking at you. It’s Nora, and she’s looking like she just asked you a question.</p><p>“What?” You say, trying to catch your bearings.</p><p>“It’s your turn. Truth or dare,” she tells you. That’s right, you’re all playing this dumb game. That’s why Shelby kissed you, and why you’re spiraling just a little bit.</p><p>“Um, dare,” you say.</p><p>She doesn’t say anything for a moment before letting out a sharp laugh. “I don’t even know what to dare her,” Nora says, looking around at the other girls, and the unsteady quality of her voice makes it clear that she’s drunk. “Do you know any cool tricks or anything?” she asks you.</p><p>“That’s so vague,” you tell her.</p><p>“You can’t ask for hints! You have to come up with it yourself!” Martha tells her, and Nora lets out a groan.</p><p>“Umm,” Nora starts, and then her eyes widen. “Do a flip!”</p><p>You bark out a laugh. “You want me to do <em>what</em>?” you ask.</p><p>“Oh, that’s good,” Leah says, nodding introspectively like someone just said something smart in a class discussion.</p><p>“Try to do a flip. It’ll be dope,” Fatin encourages.</p><p>“I’m going to wipe out,” you warn with a laugh.</p><p>“It’s not that hard,” Rachel says. “You can do a front flip from a running start. Just jump high and swing your arms.”</p><p>“If it’s so easy, why don’t you do it?” you shoot back at her.</p><p>She shrugs and grins at you. “It’s not my turn,” she says nonchalantly. “But I’ve bet you’ve got enough of a vertical to do it.”</p><p>“I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Toni, I don’t want you to hurt yourself,” Martha says.</p><p>“I’ve got a good vertical,” you say. You’ve had enough years of basketball to know how to jump high. You could probably pull off a flip, even though you’ve never tried it before.</p><p>“I mean, maybe I’ve overestimated you. Maybe you can’t do it.”</p><p>Damn. If there’s one thing you know about Rachel, it’s that she’s competitive. But fuck it if you aren’t just as competitive. “I’ll do it,” you decide.</p><p>“Don’t hurt yourself,” Dot says from her spot next to Rachel. “We don’t really have the supplies to help a concussion right now.”</p><p>“Don’t be stupid,” Martha adds in agreement.</p><p>You shrug them off and stand up, brushing the sand off your legs. “I’ve got this. Don’t worry.”</p><p>You look over at Shelby. She’s chewing on her lip, looking concerned. You want to impress her. How fucking predictable of you, you think to yourself. You want to do a cool trick to impress the pretty girl. This is no different from you making free throws in the basketball court to show off to Regan.</p><p>Well, there is a slight difference, in that there’s a bit more of a concussion risk with this. But who are you to back down from a challenge?</p><p>You jog a bit away from everyone to give yourself some space. They’re cheering for you, calling your name, and you start to feel the high you used to get at basketball games. You’re a show-off, you’ve always been one. You’re a sucker for a crowd cheering you on.</p><p>Then you hear Shelby’s voice joining in. “You’ve got this, Toni!” she calls, and her Texan accent is so clear, and it turns out that’s all the encouragement you could ever need.</p><p>You start running. It’s harder on sand than on the hard wood of a basketball court, and you’re not getting the height in your run to really set yourself up well. But you’ve got enough blind faith in yourself, and you’ve got your friends right there, cheering for you. You lengthen your stride, then you push yourself up as high as you can, and you tuck your legs and swing your arms. The wind whips by your ears as you spin. And you actually land on your feet for half a second, in a very low squat as you absorb the impact of your jump. But you’re dizzy, and there’s no way for you to fully stick your landing, so with a wobble of your arms, you topple over to the side.</p><p>The first thing you hear is Fatin screaming “Yes, <em>bitch</em>!” The rest of the girls are screaming, too, letting out loud whoops and hollers.</p><p>“She fucking did it!” Leah cries.</p><p>“Of course I fucking did it,” you say. You try to push yourself up, but you’re still dizzy, and so you fall again, this time getting the wind knocked out of you as you land squarely on your ass. “Ow,” you add, raising your hand to your head.</p><p>Then you feel the weight of a hand on your shoulder, and when you turn, you see Shelby, leaning down next to you. “Are you alright?” she asks, and the concern is evident in your voice.</p><p>“I’m fine,” you tell her. “You impressed?” you ask, and you can tell there’s a hint of cockiness in your voice that you didn’t entirely intend.</p><p>You can’t quite make it out in the dim lighting but you think she rolls her eyes at you. “You’re kind of an idiot for trying that, you know,” she tells you.</p><p>“But I did it,” you say, and this time you don’t hold back on the pride in your voice. She doesn’t say anything, but she offers you her hand, and after a moment’s hesitation you grab onto it and slowly pull yourself up.</p><p>“Yes, you did,” she concedes, and you feel like glowing, knowing that she’s at least a little impressed.</p><p> </p><p>///</p><p> </p><p>Eventually, the group of you tire of truth or dare. You’re one of the first to call in for the night, your tailbone still smarting from landing on the sand. The rest of the group isn’t up for too much longer, and soon, you’re all lying in a wide circle as you drift off to sleep.</p><p>It’s cold that night. You’ve got your thin jacket, and you’re near the fire, but the wind is still able to push a chill in your bones. You’ve been lucky that it’s the summer, wherever the hell you are, because the nights haven’t been too cold overall, but tonight you can’t seem to stop shivering.</p><p>You’re not sure how long you’ve been lying there, trying to fall asleep. Fatin’s the one with the $70,000 watch, after all. But you’ve sung a whole Todrick album worth of songs in your head, so you suspect it’s been at least an hour or so.</p><p>You’re prepared to just grit your teeth and push through, but then you hear a sound. It’s Shelby, from the far side of the fire pit. She’s tossing back in forth in her sleep, and letting out soft cries.</p><p>You know a nightmare when you see it. You decide the best course of action is to wake her up, let her calm down from whatever night terrors are haunting her. Why have her wake up everyone else, you know? You’ve just got everyone’s wellbeing in mind. Just waking up one of your friends from a nightmare. No reason to read into it.</p><p>You try to be quiet as possible as you cross over to her while still trying to be fast. You think everyone else is asleep, or at least too tired to really care what’s going on, but it’s hard to be sure. You crouch down next to her, and put your hand on her shoulder, gently shaking her. “Shelby, wake up!”</p><p>She blinks up at you, looking a bit lost. “Toni?” she asks.</p><p>“You were having a nightmare,” you say.</p><p>“Oh,” she says. “I—I’m sorry about that, I didn’t mean to wake you.”</p><p>That’s not what you meant. You shake your head. “No, I was still awake. I was just—I was worried about you.”</p><p>“Oh,” she says once again.</p><p>Things are quiet for a moment, and you wonder if you should say something else to try to comfort her. “I’ll let you get back to sleep,” you eventually say. You don’t know what you were thinking. Nothing, really, you just saw her in distress and you couldn’t just leave her. You’re starting to stand up, to get back to your spot and try to ignore the cold once again, when she reaches out and puts her hand on your leg, and so you pause, still hovering at her side.</p><p>“Thank you,” she says, her voice low.</p><p>You smile at her. “Of course,” you say. Then, you feel the wind hit once more, and you shiver, closing your eyes.</p><p>“Are you alright?” She asks, and when you open your eyes, she’s the one with the expression of concern on her face.</p><p>“Just a bit cold tonight,” you say, shrugging.</p><p>She bites her lip and looks down. Her hand is still on your leg, tethering you in place. “You can stay over here, if you’d like,” she offers.</p><p>“Is that okay?” you ask. It’s too dark to tell, but you think maybe she’s blushing. She nods, not saying anything. “Okay, I’ll, uh, I’ll be right back,” you tell her. You stand back up and quickly cross over to where you were laying before, and you grab the sweater of Fatin’s that you’d bunched up to use as a pillow. You return to Shelby, and she’s rolled onto her side as she watches you. You don’t totally know what to do now. Where are you supposed to lay down? Behind her? In front of her? She’s watching you now, and apparently your indecision is clear on your face, but she smiles softly at you and gestures to the space in front of her. You smile back and put down your pillow, and lower yourself down to the sand.</p><p>You’re facing her, maybe ten inches away from her face. The way you’re drawn to her, it feels… inevitable. You don’t understand this girl, but God, do you want to. She reaches an arm out and gently traces her hand along the slope of your arm, and this time, when you shiver, it’s not from the cold. She pulls her arm back.</p><p>“If you’re cold, you can get closer,” she says. “Can’t have you catching frostbite right before we’re rescued.”</p><p>You let out a small laugh. “Yeah, good point,” you say.</p><p>She smiles back at you, and when you still don’t move, she rolls her eyes. She rolls over so she’s no longer facing you, and she turns her head over her shoulder and tells you “Come here.”</p><p>It’s such a simple request, but the way she says it, her voice low and a bit rough from sleep, makes your stomach flutter. You quickly comply, scooting towards her, your body in parallel to hers with just an inch of space in between you. She leans back into you and your lower arm is pinned in between your chest and her body, and it’s a little bit uncomfortable, but you can feel the warmth radiating off of her and it feels like heaven in the cold night air. Her long blonde hair, still drastically uneven, tickles your nose. You curl your legs in and tuck them against hers. She lets out a murmur of content and you feel like you’re going to ascend to another dimension. It’s just for sharing heat, you remind yourself. It’s a cold night, and it’s easier for both of you if you stay close, but still. You can see the slight rise and fall of her chest as her breath falls and she drifts closer to sleep, and you can’t remember the last time you were so close to someone in such an intimate way. You wonder what sort of things could be plaguing her in her nightmares. What are the demons that follow her around? You reach your free arm out around her and rest it lightly on her torso, just higher than at her hip bone. Whenever you and Martha sleep next to each other, you tend to end up in a position such as this, but God, this just feels so different. You feel simultaneously so on edge and so relaxed; you want to stay in this position with her forever.</p><p>    </p><p> </p><p>By the time you wake up, she’s no longer lying next to you. You look around for a minute, worried that she’s run off somewhere or something. You don’t know how gay panic works.</p><p>But she’s not far away. She’s sitting by Nora, and they’re both facing away from you, looking out at the water and talking in hushed voices. You still for a moment, blinking away the sleep and just taking in the way she looks in the morning, all golden in the sunshine, her long hair fluttering in the wind. Somehow, she seems to sense your eyes on her, and she turns to look back at you with a soft smile. You smile back at her and you feel so warm.</p><p> </p><p>///</p><p> </p><p>“You’re in a good mood.” It’s later that morning, and you’re sitting with your back against the cliff, and you’re absentmindedly running your hands through the sand. You look as Martha walks over to you, a smile on her face.</p><p>“Hey,” you say to her.</p><p>“Can I sit with you?” she asks.</p><p>You nod, and gesture for her to join.</p><p>The two of you sit in silence for a few minutes. That’s one of the beautiful things about your friendship with her—you don’t need to say or do anything. You’ve also spent enough time together that you’re both really good judges of the other’s mood.</p><p>“Can I ask you something?” you say, and you turn to look at her. She nods, and you continue. “How do you always,” you trail off, not entirely sure how to phrase your question. “How do you always think the best of people? Like, you always trust that people have good intentions.”</p><p>“Look at you, being all introspective,” she teases, and you roll your eyes and bump your shoulder into her. Martha is quiet for a moment before she answers. “I guess it’s just so tiring to think otherwise. Like, yes, people can be bad, and I’ve gotten hurt before. But I don’t want to assume it’s going to be like that every time. There are so many good and wonderful things in the world, and I don’t want to miss out on them because I’m afraid something could go wrong.”</p><p>You don’t say anything, and you just nod, taking in her words.</p><p> “Are you asking about anyone in particular?” she asks, a bit of hesitation to her voice.</p><p>You concentrate on the sand at your feet. The little pile you were gathering of the dark sand is sticking together well, the dampness holding everything in place. “Shelby,” you admit.</p><p>Martha lets out a sigh. “Toni,” she says, and it comes off as almost a warning. “She was being pretty homophobic. I’m all for you being more positive, but with her, it makes sense if you want to keep your space.”</p><p>You want to tell Martha everything. About the kiss in the woods, about the conversation of all the expectations in her life, about all the lingering glances and touches that lasted just a bit longer than they needed to. And if this were any other girl, if this were any other situation, you’d tell Martha everything. But you can tell that this is very new for Shelby, and apparently very scary as well. As much as you’d love your best friend’s insight onto this situation, you’re not in the habit of outing people, so you choose your words carefully. “I know what she said,” you tell Martha. “But I think that it’s mostly just what her parents taught her. Like, I don’t know if she really <em>believes</em> what she was saying.”</p><p>Martha doesn’t look so sure. She stays silent, so you try another approach. “Besides, she probably doesn’t even know any gay people, down in Texas or wherever. But I can show her that, you know, we can be pretty cool.”</p><p>“For what it’s worth, I do think she is a good person,” Martha says after a moment. “She seemed to realize that what she was saying wasn’t cool, and she’s been working her ass off to get back in our good graces.” You nod, and Martha continues. “Is this about how she kissed you last night?”</p><p>You can’t help but freeze at her words.</p><p>“Because I thought it was weird that we made you guys do that,” Martha continues, “And I’m sorry if that made you uncomfortable. Like, we shouldn’t be punishing her by making you kiss her.”</p><p>You feel a bit honored that she’s defending you. “No, Marty, it’s not that,” you say, “I don’t really care about how we kissed.” That’s not at all true; you’ve been replaying that moment over and over in your head, but not for the reasons Martha seems to suspect. “I think I may have misjudged her,” you say, and that part is definitely true. “I think I should maybe give her a second chance,” you confess, and when you look over at Martha, she’s smiling encouragingly.</p><p>“I think that’s a wonderful idea,” Martha tells you.</p><p>“I didn’t really give her much of a first chance,” you admit, and that causes Martha to laugh.</p><p>“I wouldn’t say you were her biggest fan when we first landed on the island,” Martha agrees.</p><p>“I think you must be a good influence on me, Marty,” you tell her. “No way I’d be doing this reconciliation shit on my own.” You say it as a bit of a joke, and you give her a half smile, but she fixes you with her bright amber eyes and you still.</p><p>“You’re a good person, Toni,” she tells you, and she says it with such certainty that you have to look away. She continues. “I’m serious. As much as I’d love to take credit for all that, I can’t. You know I’m not the biggest fan of the way you run towards fights, but you’re always doing it to protect someone who needs it. You’ve got such good intentions, even if you and I go about things differently. Don’t underestimate yourself.”</p><p>You don’t know what to say to that at all. But it means a lot, those words, especially coming from Martha. “Thanks,” is what you’re able to say, and the soft smile she gives you tells you she understands beyond your words.</p><p> </p><p>///</p><p> </p><p>The days keep stretching on, and rescue still hasn’t arrived for you yet. You’re not allowing yourself to get too worried yet. The thing that is concerning is your ever-dwindling collection of food. For some reason, you’re reminded of a time many years ago, when you were in fourth grade with Martha, and your teacher took you on walks around the school and told you what plants were edible. You hadn’t really paid attention to that at the time, thinking it was all too hippie for you anyways. Looking back, you really wish you’d listened. You never thought you’d be on some deserted island, thousands of miles away from civilization, needing to forage for food in the wilderness, but here you are.</p><p>Marty laughs when you remind her of that teacher and her antics, and when you suggest going for a food run, she grins. Out of the corner of your eye you see Shelby sitting and sorting through the cans of drinking water. Martha’s starting to stand, getting ready to go and look for food with you, but something makes you pause. You and Shelby still haven’t had much of a chance to talk. Going exploring with her and Martha isn’t going to give you that perfect opportunity, but it’ll at least give you some time together. Besides, like you say to Marty, Shelby does know her way around the woods here. Martha smiles when you tell her you’re trying to get over your grudge with Shelby—she doesn’t need to know that that grudge has been long gone—and she tells you she’s proud of you. You smile back, and awkwardly cross over to Shelby.</p><p>“Hey,” you say, and she looks up at you, looking a bit surprised.</p><p>“Mornin’,” she says, her Texas accent strong.</p><p>You bite your lip, and start pushing sand around with the toe of your shoe, killing time as you try to find your words. “So, Marty and I were thinking of going to look for food,” you say.</p><p>She raises her eyebrow at you. “That’s a probably a good idea,” she says, and she continues pouring the water into the different cans. You let out a breath. You have a feeling she knows what you’re trying to ask, but is still making you put it into words.</p><p>“And we were thinking it’d be smart to take someone who knows the area.” She nods again, not looking up at you, and you can tell there’s a small smile on her face. “I guess I was wondering if you’d maybe want to come with us?” you ask.</p><p>She looks up at you now, and she’s biting her lip in a way that makes your heart jump just a little bit. “That depends,” she drawls. “Are you asking me?”</p><p>You kick at the sand, careful not to send any flying towards the water cans. “Yeah?” you say, trying to keep your voice sounding controlled and casual.</p><p>“I wouldn’t want to intrude,” she says, her smile growing bigger, and you think maybe she’s messing with you a little bit.</p><p>“You wouldn’t be,” you say with a shrug. “Besides, Martha likes your company.”</p><p>Shelby sets the water cans aside and stands up. “Well, if Martha wants me there…” she says.</p><p>“I’d like you to come, too,” you offer, and her smile turns into a grin.</p><p>“Well, why didn’t you just say so?” she says, and there’s a teasing lilt to her voice that just draws you in. “I’ll go put these away, and then I’m ready to go if you are?”</p><p>“Sounds good,” you say, and you watch as she moves the cans towards Dot’s inventory.</p><p>There’s still a lot you don’t know about this girl. Sometimes, she seems so in control of things, like everything is playing out just the way she wants. But most of the time, you have no idea <em>what</em> she even wants. You still don’t really know what in the world she thinks about you, let alone what her intensions are with you and your budding friendship.</p><p>You’ve never been the most patient person. You want things to be done, to be sorted. You don’t like waiting for things to just settle into place. But as she puts up her hair, still tangled and uneven, and smiles at you as she joins you and Martha, you realize that for her, you’re willing to wait.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I can't stop thinking about these girls!!! I did not mean for this to get so long, but here we are! please let me know what you think, and I'm on tumblr @klargora if you wanna talk!!!!!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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